Your Ex Doesn't Want to See Their Own Kids
Divorces or separations can often be messy affairs with both parents fighting over the custody of the children. The courts generally try to find a balance that is in the best interest of the children. However, occasionally the opposite happens. One of the parents walks away from the marriage and wants nothing more to do with the family, the children included.
There are many reasons for this attitude and whilst the stay away parent is thought of as cold and heartless, often the reverse is the case. It can be difficult to understand the pain that one can go through as parent and partner when the whole family unit starts to break down. For many parents, the pain of seeing the children and then handing them back at the end of the day is too hard to bear.
Others see different issues including the affect that this has on the children, or the affect that squabbling parents have on the children. So, rightfully or wrongfully, they feel it is in the best interests of the children to stay away.
There is a popular misconception that it is only fathers that walk away from their children. You would be surprised at how many mothers do as well. This frequently happens when the relationship breaks down due to a third party, the mother's new partner. (This holds true for fathers as well - particularly if he has entered a relationship with a younger woman.)
Children are the victims in this scenario. It doesn't matter why the other parent wants to stay away, children have difficulty coming to terms with this issue and can enter into a long period of grieving.
The stay at home parent can often exacerbate this problem. There will be obvious anger at the lack of support and contact with the children. At the same time there is a sense of relief in not having to deal with the push/pull fight for custody. For this reason the stay at home parent will often find justifications that supports the absent parent. This can often confuse the children more. You will often hear statements from the children like - 'my mom (or dad) doesn't want me to see my dad (or mom)'. You then become the enemy.
If you are not clear in discussing the issues with your children you may even find that they begin to blame themselves. "my dad (or mom) doesn't want to see me because I am ........" - and it always ends with a negative.
How you handle this situation will determine how your children deal with it into the future. The best policy is to stick as close to the truth as possible. It is important that you encourage the absent parent to at least maintain some contact, if even it is the annual birthday and Christmas card.
As much as possible, you need to avoid a total vacuum. When a parent passes away, it can be easy to get the message across that the parent has gone. When the parent is still alive, just gone, it can be much harder. Make sure they understand that it isn’t their fault.
Been There
First let me say I am a dad my self - many think I am female for some reason - perhaps I should make it clearer.
I actually agree with you on most of what you say - I think it also important to accept that every situation is different and no-one should be in a situation to judge others.
There are the kids to think of however and sometimes they are the forgotten - the innocent. I think in most situations both parents are at fault. There is no simple situation. At least you have been there and tried to make it work.
My article is directed more towards those who walk away without looking back, not even trying to make things work - from the child's perspective, one day their parents are with them - the next day one is gone never to be seen or heard of again - including any type of child support.
You have made your decision based on what you feel is the best or only track - your decision - your life - more power to you.
les
A bit of background to start
A bit of background to start with:
I have been separated for 4, and divorced for 3 years. For the first two years, my ex-wife and I shared care of our (now 7 year-old) son and we split the bills. He wanted more time at his mum's as his friends from school were over there so I dropped back to seeing him every other weekend. Arguments ensued over the level of maintenance. She wanted strictly as per CSA guidelines - I wanted compromise. The guidlines give discounts on how much you drop the maintenance according to large visitation bands of 52 nights per 1/7th discount. Since I was between 104 days and under 156 days, and couldn't make the next band of 156 days, I would only have him for fri night and sat night, dropping him Sunday morning. I did that for two months before she agreed to adjust pro-rata as she wanted time for her boyfriend. The next year and a half was every other weekend comntact and I paid £300 and contributed £300 to his holiday.
This year son is older and wants more time with his friends at weekends. Immediately she comes asking for yet more money. That is all I am now, a wallet. She has a new live-in boyfriend (her third in three years) and doesn't have to travel to see the latest man. Before I enrage the women, I am still with the same lady that I met 8 months after I separated and we are happily living together.
Ex now wants the full CSA guidelines £500, but wants me to have him whenever he/she chooses. Well, I have a new life and a new partner to consider. I will no longer step up to the mark to allow her to go away on weekends with her boyfriend whilst we look after son. To add insult to injury, she sends him across to us in clothes that are old and way too small.
I am about to become a walk-away parent. I have no control over how much money I have to contribute to the child's welfare - nor any say as to how it is spent. All the cards are with the ex, except one...
I will now walk away from my little boy knowing it will hurt him in the long run, and in the short-term hurt the ex-wife. Sure she will get her maintenance, until his 18th birthday, but at what cost to the little boy. No help through University. No help with first car or deposit for house. And my will is also about to be changed to leave everything to my new partner. Ex-wife is just plain greedy.
I know many other who have done the same. System is so biased towards mothers. Best thing a man can now do is get a vasectomy ( I have) and not get married (I won't).
I'm now happier and free again. Send all the abuse you like, but maybe you will see that you can empty our wallets, but that will not give the children their father.
very current topic
great post!
i know TOO MANY people whose father walked away and wiped his hands clean. it is so hard to help a kid or teen know that it is ABSOLUTELY not THEIR FAULT!
i have been honest and told my son that his father had emotional problems that have caused him to "not be a good team" and that he simply doesn't know HOW to be a father.
for many though, a random card might simply pour salt in the wounds and punctuate the parent's absence. it must be considered on a case-by-case basis.
Co Parenting
We need to turf lawyers in custody cases (unless a parent is unsafe) and focus on co parenting. As grown adults we are all cable of stepping up and putting aside our differences and co parenting effectively.
children suffer
Awesome post! As a divorced, single parent of 5, I have lived this scenario. Even though my kids are mostly grown now (22, 21, 19, 18 & 14) they still have to deal with the abandonment issues. I think it is hardest on my sons because I can't teach them to be a man, I can only give what I have.
With God's help they will be alright!!
walking away
i just hope that either parent will think of the welfare of the children who are the foremost victims in these situations. it sounds selfish to just walk away. as an adult, the pain that we feel is not even equivalent to the pain these children are having in the midst of the chaos.
Excellent!
This is a most excellent post. I fit in this category..it was my ex-wife that pretty much walked out. While we went through the whole messy divorce thing (due to a third party - her new boyfriend!) I gained custody of my two boys. She pretty much walked out after the divorce. She had absolutely nothing to do with them. I continued to keep them in sports and other activities. They would call her and ask her to come to their games, etc. She always promised, but never came through. In fact, she did not even go to kids' 8th grade promotion ceremonies (although she told them she was there - and they knew she was not). They had a lot of the same questions...why won't she come? Why does she keep doing this? Why does she promise and never come? People also need to understand that when you promise something to a kid...they fully expect you to follow through on that promise. We as the adults need to put ourselves in their place whenever we say or do anything. You are absolutely right...the kids come first. It is hard to try to explain why the absent parent does what they do. But, if you do try, you also have to remember, that absent parent is still part of them. You can't say anything negative about the other parent because they are still connected. That is probably one of the hardest things to do is to try to remain neutral about the absent parent even when you are just as mad and disappointed as the kids.
Very Sad
I have a sister whose husband left his daughters.
It caused them to have a lot of emotional problems.
It's very difficult to overcome feelings of
abandonment.
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