Before deciding to become a parent, please check the following selection criteria.

Father:

Incubator's Assistant: Temporary position (aprox 9 months). Full Time. On Duty 24/7. Must be able to withstand partner felling constantly nauseas. Must be prepared for up to 30 hours of abuse and crushed hands.

Wet Nurse's Assistant: Temporary position (up to 5 years). Full Time. On Duty 24/7. Must Be prepared to assist in the cleaning, sterilizing and prepare sufficient quantities of formula. Will be required to feed infant at irregular time. Must be prepared to change nappies (diapers) at frequent intervals. Must be able to operate on little or no sleep.

Nurses Aide: Permanent position - you may be required to continue in this position well into your retirement. On Duty 24/7. Will be required to nurse pregnant partner during first stage. Must be able to nurse individuals through many different illnesses, both actual and perceived. Duties also include cleaning up after food and drink expulsions from either end of the individual. Note, you will be nursing patients who may be suffering highly contagious conditions.

Doctor: Permanent position - you may be required to continue in this position well into your retirement. Initially will be required to determine onset of labor and go into panic mode - panic mode must be realistic and believable. Must be able to diagnose illnesses both actual and perceived. Must be able to determine when more specialist intervention is required.

Cook: Permanent position. Must be able to provide a variety of tasty and nutritious meals for a variety of individuals. Initially will be required to produce amazing dishes such as icecream with tomato ketchup. This role may include spontaneous meals for unexpected drop ins and midnight cravings.

Counselor: Permanent position. This role includes mediation, providing advice and guidance, breaking up fights and disputes, negotiating outcomes between siblings and the other parent. This position requires the use of tact, forcefulness and the ability to switch of in front of tv.

Teacher: Permanent position. Must be able to teach manners, etiquette, languages, maths and all other school based subjects. Must be able to teach young individuals the skills of life. Must be a champion sports teacher.

Accountant: Permanent position. Must be able to provide all of the above while maintaining strict control of finances. Must be able to withstand the demands for cash from offspring. These demands will continue until well after your death. You must be able to plan for these eventualities. The ability to either hide cash in wallet or have cash reproduce in wallet is highly desirable.

All of the above are required along with an ability to continue on with your life and perhaps your career. Some positions will require lifetime commitments. You must be able to undertake all these activities whilst happily watching your child free friends enjoy their freedom.

If you are not prepared for all of the above, then your not prepared for the role of father.