My parents got seperated when I was about 2 years old, and for whatever reason, I still feel sad for whatever reason whenever I see my dad. I feel upset sometimes that I didn't get a normal childhood, or the self-confidence I see most people have. I've had couselors tell me that it's because of a sense of abandonment. Even if you really love and want to see your kids...sometimes the kids don't feel like you want to see them if you're not with them. Please do all you can to help them understand that you do want to see them, and that they are loved. That it isn't because of them that you're not there to see them.

Hi Jemma - I think everyone reaches a point where they have to say "no more" and to move on with your life. Your son is the most important part of your life now - he needs you more than your ex does - in fact your son needs you being 'whole' again.

Father's in these situations no longer look at their child as being 'their child', the child becomes a distant memory and they move on with their lives - and that is what you need to do - move on and hopefully up.

Good luck with the future

i just wanted to say for 2 years iv begged pleaded ignored threatened done nothing performed 2 dna tests to prove my sons dad is his biological father and still he never pays maint or visits - well he visits, when he actually turns up and if it suits him. i asked my sons father to register his birth with me and he did not show, then demanded dna tests which i did. my ex has never accepted a birthday party invite or xmas invite to see his son. it is so upsetting partially bcos we were togteher 3 years prior to my boy being born and the other fact that he has 2 daughters aged 4 and 13 and they are the apples of his eyes and he sees them everyday. i am so upset that iv said if he doesnt see alfie over christmas then he should not contact me again. the emotional trauma of have a son with a man who clearly doesnt realise how amazing special and blessed we are has taken its toll and i need to take action before my son becomes used to seeing me crying cos his father doesnt want to know his only son.

Hi - your question is an interesting one. You are doing the right thing by having his name on the birth certificate - your son has a right to know who his father is.

Going to court also makes sense in formalizing what has happened. You may never receive child support from him, but you have at least gone through the right procedures.

Whether or not you have a future with your sons father is something that only you can know. It sounds like your not interested in future with him now. That means it's time to move on, make a new start and to make a life for you and your son.

I hope that helps. Feel free to ask for any further advice. Depending on what country you are in, there maybe other options. Here in Australia there are further options that may help.

cheers les

I would just like to get an opinion on my current situation. I was abandoned when 7 months pregnant by my ex partner.I came home from work that eve to find all his stuff and some of mine may i add gone from the apartment we shared.

We were having ups and downs due to me feeling insecure with this man and his family history of his twin brother walking away from his two year old child 5 years previous. As you can imagine it wasn't the most ideal or secure situation to be in. He contacted me a week later and i tried to remain friends with him for the remainder of my pregnancy for the sake of our baby.

He was there for the birth of our baby boy and seemed to bond well for the first week. He approached me about getting back together with him although i would be on social welfare because he was happy at home in his mothers. I couldn't go along with this situation and declined rekindling a relationship with him. Due to this he walked away and hasn't seen our baby boy since.

It's been two months now. Ive had to apply for maintenance through court for two reasons. One being the obvious and the other being that i need a court order before i can get his name on our sons birth cert. He stated clearly on walking away that he did not want his name on the birthcert. I am however pushing through with this without him because i feel it's a child right to be aware of their identity.

I would appreciate any advice on this...

First let me say I am a dad my self - many think I am female for some reason - perhaps I should make it clearer.

I actually agree with you on most of what you say - I think it also important to accept that every situation is different and no-one should be in a situation to judge others.

There are the kids to think of however and sometimes they are the forgotten - the innocent. I think in most situations both parents are at fault. There is no simple situation. At least you have been there and tried to make it work.

My article is directed more towards those who walk away without looking back, not even trying to make things work - from the child's perspective, one day their parents are with them - the next day one is gone never to be seen or heard of again - including any type of child support.

You have made your decision based on what you feel is the best or only track - your decision - your life - more power to you.

les

A bit of background to start with:

I have been separated for 4, and divorced for 3 years. For the first two years, my ex-wife and I shared care of our (now 7 year-old) son and we split the bills. He wanted more time at his mum's as his friends from school were over there so I dropped back to seeing him every other weekend. Arguments ensued over the level of maintenance. She wanted strictly as per CSA guidelines - I wanted compromise. The guidlines give discounts on how much you drop the maintenance according to large visitation bands of 52 nights per 1/7th discount. Since I was between 104 days and under 156 days, and couldn't make the next band of 156 days, I would only have him for fri night and sat night, dropping him Sunday morning. I did that for two months before she agreed to adjust pro-rata as she wanted time for her boyfriend. The next year and a half was every other weekend comntact and I paid £300 and contributed £300 to his holiday.

This year son is older and wants more time with his friends at weekends. Immediately she comes asking for yet more money. That is all I am now, a wallet. She has a new live-in boyfriend (her third in three years) and doesn't have to travel to see the latest man. Before I enrage the women, I am still with the same lady that I met 8 months after I separated and we are happily living together.

Ex now wants the full CSA guidelines £500, but wants me to have him whenever he/she chooses. Well, I have a new life and a new partner to consider. I will no longer step up to the mark to allow her to go away on weekends with her boyfriend whilst we look after son. To add insult to injury, she sends him across to us in clothes that are old and way too small.

I am about to become a walk-away parent. I have no control over how much money I have to contribute to the child's welfare - nor any say as to how it is spent. All the cards are with the ex, except one...

I will now walk away from my little boy knowing it will hurt him in the long run, and in the short-term hurt the ex-wife. Sure she will get her maintenance, until his 18th birthday, but at what cost to the little boy. No help through University. No help with first car or deposit for house. And my will is also about to be changed to leave everything to my new partner. Ex-wife is just plain greedy.

I know many other who have done the same. System is so biased towards mothers. Best thing a man can now do is get a vasectomy ( I have) and not get married (I won't).

I'm now happier and free again. Send all the abuse you like, but maybe you will see that you can empty our wallets, but that will not give the children their father.

great post!

i know TOO MANY people whose father walked away and wiped his hands clean. it is so hard to help a kid or teen know that it is ABSOLUTELY not THEIR FAULT!

i have been honest and told my son that his father had emotional problems that have caused him to "not be a good team" and that he simply doesn't know HOW to be a father.

for many though, a random card might simply pour salt in the wounds and punctuate the parent's absence. it must be considered on a case-by-case basis.

We need to turf lawyers in custody cases (unless a parent is unsafe) and focus on co parenting. As grown adults we are all cable of stepping up and putting aside our differences and co parenting effectively.

Awesome post! As a divorced, single parent of 5, I have lived this scenario. Even though my kids are mostly grown now (22, 21, 19, 18 & 14) they still have to deal with the abandonment issues. I think it is hardest on my sons because I can't teach them to be a man, I can only give what I have.
With God's help they will be alright!!

i just hope that either parent will think of the welfare of the children who are the foremost victims in these situations. it sounds selfish to just walk away. as an adult, the pain that we feel is not even equivalent to the pain these children are having in the midst of the chaos.

This is a most excellent post. I fit in this category..it was my ex-wife that pretty much walked out. While we went through the whole messy divorce thing (due to a third party - her new boyfriend!) I gained custody of my two boys. She pretty much walked out after the divorce. She had absolutely nothing to do with them. I continued to keep them in sports and other activities. They would call her and ask her to come to their games, etc. She always promised, but never came through. In fact, she did not even go to kids' 8th grade promotion ceremonies (although she told them she was there - and they knew she was not). They had a lot of the same questions...why won't she come? Why does she keep doing this? Why does she promise and never come? People also need to understand that when you promise something to a kid...they fully expect you to follow through on that promise. We as the adults need to put ourselves in their place whenever we say or do anything. You are absolutely right...the kids come first. It is hard to try to explain why the absent parent does what they do. But, if you do try, you also have to remember, that absent parent is still part of them. You can't say anything negative about the other parent because they are still connected. That is probably one of the hardest things to do is to try to remain neutral about the absent parent even when you are just as mad and disappointed as the kids.

I have a sister whose husband left his daughters.
It caused them to have a lot of emotional problems.
It's very difficult to overcome feelings of
abandonment.